Time

Time is everything. Time is nothing. Time is real. Time doesn't exist. Time is cruel. Time heals.

Prank calls and other chapters

Was Vegas real? Living in it, I mean.
Did those 7 years really happen?
They must of have.

I moved there with one child, and came back with two.
So it must have been real, unless  my second child is a figment of my imagination.

Did we really survive that hell?

When that chapter closed, a part of me died, and a part of me was reborn.
It was parallel, that I can't tell which is what.

Who knows.
Glad that I am in the flesh, breathing and living in Santa Barbara.

I was swallowed in a pit of darkness. I didn't think I'd ever escape.
But here I am.
Closing yet another chapter of my life.

The more chapters I surpass, the more distant my life seems.
Surreal.

Lorde - Ribs (Live On Letterman) (+playlist)

I am so so so tired. Makes me bipolar.

I wish I was blank
I wish I was blank
I wish I could thank
I wish I was blank 

I'd write a letter to you
And there'd be nothing to it
I wouldn't hem and haw
On just how to start it

I wish I was blank
I wish I was blank
I wish I could thank
I wish I was blank

I wish I'd stand up straight
I wish I'd said things different
I wish I'd said nothing
Things would be so perfect
I wish myself to keep
I pray my soul to sleep
I wish myself away
I wish I was blank


-Smashing Pumpkins

I will use lyrics to explain how I am feeling...

O-bla-di, o-bla-da, life goes on, brah!...
Lala how the life goes on...
O-bla-di, o-bla-da, life goes on, brah!...

Super emotional meteor heading your way! Runnnnnnnnn

Irk alert:










When I write an email, and get no reply.









::yanks hair::

This is where I write non-sense

I would someday like to be a mail carrier. One of my YMCA buddies, whom I take spin class with is a mail carrier. She looked sexy. But she is older. And I do not have the hots for her. She is nice. But seeing her for the first time in her uniform, made me remember how I still someday wish to be a mail woman. I finally went back to Step class tonight. Samantha introduced a few new steps. It takes me a few tries, but eventually I catch on. My step stool kept sliding. I tripped a few times. Yikes. I always trip. Oh well. I am as clumsy as they come.

I am excited to chaperone for Caliah's class tomorrow. I am grateful to help out her teacher. I also wished I were a teacher when I was growing up. Now, I just admire them. Teachers are my heroes. To date, Caliah's best teacher has been Mrs. McKee. However, Cali tells me Mr. Federbusch is quikly becoming her fave. I have really not interacted much with him...but he seems super. Plus...he's handsome. Especially for a man. Since I never even care to look at men. This one is quite beautiful, tho.

Tomorrow is Friday. My Monday. I don't wanna work. I just wanna sleep the weekend away. Actually, I wish I could take the girls to the fall festival at the Y tomorrow. But...can't. Stupid work schedule.

I hope to find a job the second Avelina starts all day kinder next year. I miss working 'normal' hours.

My head hurts.
And I feel blah today.
Tis being a woman. Embrace it.

And this is where I rant on my religious views, or lack thereof...

Religion.
I am not religious.
I hate religious talk.
I hate talking religion.

I am borderline Agnostic, borderline Atheist.
Depending on my mood.

When I've had enough of outrageous, closed mindedness, I thoroughly hate religious ideals.
I don't talk religion with my friends and family.
I don't even bring it up.
Those that truly know me, know where my stance on religion lies.
They either accept me, or just ignore it.

I've had many debates over the years, trying to 'protect' or 'voice' my thoughts. But, I learned that I will never get MY point across, with people who believe in God, or in their religion.

The people whom I closely relate to, is Buddhists. Their love, their compassion. Their peace. Their zen.
I agree with it. I relate to it.
I, sometimes even feel it as my inner hippie.

But, I am not a person that chooses an institution, to fit in. To be heard, or to feel 'not lost'

So, with these elections coming up. Everyone knows I am a hardcore Obama supporter.
I pretty much agree on his views.
Abortion, YES. I support it. Does that mean I've ever had an abortion? No. I never have. Never even considered one.
Does that mean that I am against Pro-Life? No. But, some people are so radically pro-life, it makes no sense to me! How can they be sooooo pro-life, yet once that infant is born, they don't give a shit about it, especially if it's not a wealthy borned person? Why is it some of these people who strongly voice their pro-life, also are soooo strongly for war?! That just does not make sense!

Anyway. I was just texting, emailing, and watching FRIENDS at the same time, that I've lost my thought of train! Go figure!

I guess the moment's gone...

Nevermind, it's coming back.
Religion.


I once had a boss fired, because he was harrassing me. He asked me what my religious background was. We were working at a museum in Los Angeles. I was 18. Recently broken up with my 'first everything' boyfriend. I was angry. I had just moved out of my mother's home. I was lost.
But one thing I knew, was that I didn't believe in a Godly existence. Especially working in a science museum. Just being there daily, for almost 10-15 hrs a day. You rely on science, the facts, the theories...that, religion at my age back then, just seemed like such a bogus idea, to control the population. My mom always threw her Catholism down my throat. She always tried to teach me to fear God, to fear her. To fear all superior, as that would mean they had my respect and my endless love and admiration. That just didn't make sense to me! Why should I fear God? Why should I fear my mother?
So, we often clashed. And by the time I was employed, 18, and out of high school, I realized I could afford to be my own person, and moved out. So, during this turbulent time in my life, I was angry, and felt alone. So, for this particular boss to sit here, and test me...just infuriated me.
I wasn't always the smartest pea in the pod, but I knew harrassment. And he just wouldn't quit. He wouldn't accept the fact that we are ALL different. He hated that I was bisexual. What was it to him?! He hated that I questioned his God's existence. So, he'd always harrass me. I got fed up, and took it to HR. HR did an intensive investigation, and fired his ass. I won the case. I got to keep my job. I saw a glimmer of hope. I could be myself, and not be taunted. Nevermind the fact that this jerk was talking about religion in the work place! How did it even all start? I honestly cannot remember...but it might have done with something during a Christmas event. There was a Christmas party, and I was the only one who didn't get a religious card to give to my co-workers...and he was the only one who noticed. Asked why I even bothered celebrating. I can be Agnostic, and still enjoy a holiday. I often tell people that I am NOT an angry Agnostic/Atheist person! I am actually not a hateful being.
I believe in love. I believe in peace. I believe in harmony. Hate? Not in me.

Anyway.
With what happened with that boss, and only being 18, I learned to never talk religion to people who truly believe in it.
I am now 31 years old, and many times I've had the opportunity to say whatever it is I don't believe in, but I keep quiet, or politely node. Why? Because I truly believe that not all religions are bad. Not all religious people are crazy!
And, religion helps people.
Sometimes that's what someone needs.
And I accept it. I support it.
If it helps you be a better person, I truly believe it's a good thing.
Who I am to judge, or tell someone what they can or can't do or believe in? Right?

I have family members who were drug addicts. Then they found God, and now are the happiest people I know. How could I be against that??

So ya.
There is no direction for this post.
Just that the elections are coming to a close, and I hate that the republicans think they can play 'god' by taking women's rights away...starting with the choice to have a baby or not.

Religion and politics need to break apart from each other. And that's what they don't understand. The founding fathers created this union, to be free of religion. They wanted to break free from that, from the old world. They wanted to give us a fresh new start, with freedom. So, why is it changing? Why are we more and more becoming a religious country?

In other totally unrelated words...

I just want to say: "I don't even know you anymore."

Muchos y muchos y muchos pensamientos!

• I liked it better when you were nice to me.
• I really am craving Disneyland.
• I would like to have a daytime job.......kinda getting burnt out on graves.....................but..but......but.............I really love my job. I am torn..........................
• I don't want to be a billionaire. It would be nice to not worry about finances, tho!
• I wish I was pretty.

• I felt like skipping bullets.
• I wish I could hold a newborn.
• Candy.
• candy.
• Candy.
• CaNdY.
• Sleeppppppppppppppppppppppp

• I really wish you were nice to me again. It made me smile.

Picture of the Day

Caliah

Halloween 2006

When she was 4!

We are going to the pumpkin patch tomorrow

How funny. I just asked my 10 year old if pumpkin has a 'g' at the end. She looked at me like I was crazy! Ok, ok. It doesn't. I am not perfect! I forget how to spell here and there!
After I get off work tomorrow, Sunday I will go home and nap. After I wake up, we are going to the pumpkin patch over at Lane Farms!! I have been putting it off, because it has been too hot. I told the girls that once it feels like Autumn we will go. It won't feel real if we go when there is some stupid 90 degree weather in October! It hasn't been this hot in Oct in forever! That was an annoying fluke. So anyway. Now that it officially feels like Fall...we are going to pick a pumpkin, and get lost in the awesome corn maze!! Yay!! I guess we will be there by 2-3ish! Yay!!!! The girls and I are excited! See you there, empty audience! Haha!

Picture of The Day

After the Storm
sometime in March 2012
Eilings Park

The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire...no, not really.

A couple nights ago, I asked Caliah to make Avelina some hot cocoa. Since Avelina has been sick with pneumonia, I've been tending to her non-stop. Duh, I know. I'm supposed to. Sad thing tho, I've been getting sick now. A lot of times, Cali does help. So, as I was feeling crummy, I asked Cali to make her sister the drink.

I asked her to warm the milk up on the microwave...so it'd be faster. I usually make the girls hot cocoa, on the stove top.
So, when Caliah left the kitchen, to tell me that she was warming up the milk, the microwave started smoking. Avelina immediately ran to me, and told me there was a fire in there.

Cali, stood there, speechless, and what I assume, scared. Scared of being in trouble for starting a fire, or scared because there was a fire. Or both. Either way, she was frozen.

So, I immediately got up, and grabbed the metal coffee mug, that was caught on fire, and threw it in the sink, that miraculously, was full of water. (Well, a pot was)

I didn't want the fire alarm to sound off, so I went to the hallway, and started fanning it. Then, Avelina runs to me, saying there's a bigger fire.
This time, the microwave had caught fire. Soooooooooooo...I blew on it (I know, right?!) And, grabbed my pillow, and fanned it. Since the microwave was still plugged in, and I had a feeling it was electrical, I didn't throw water at it. Fortunately, the fanning killed the fire, so all was well with the world.

I went back to fanning the alarm. And Cali was still in her spot, frozen.

I was upset.
Not because she accidently burnt my most favorite mug. That was my fault, I should have explained to her that metal doesn't belong in the microwave, because it starts fires! I was mad because she froze.

The fact that her 4 year old sister ran to me to tell me FIRE FIRE FIRE!! Made me sad. Cali is 10. She should know to come to me for help, if something like that happens. Instead, she shuts down. It made me picture a real life emergency. What will happen if her sister is choking, and she can't tell me herself? While Cali just stares, wondering what to do. Scared that she may get in trouble?

So, Hugo and I talked to her.
We explained that we don't care about the mug or the microwave. We aren't mad that it was an accident. Those happen all the time. We were frustrated, that she didn't react.
She needs to have these basics instincts turned on, otherwise this girl will not survive in a real emergency.

It made me upset.
We went over and over and over it with her.
We will NEVER get mad at you over material things. Be verbal. Shout fire! Shout, HELP! Something! Don't just stare blankly at the emergency, and hope that we can hear your thoughts!

But, the incident is passed. The house didn't burn down. My mug can be replaced.
And it's funny, now.
Hopefully she understands how important it is to speak up.

Click the link, cuz I told you so! Promise you will love it!

http://vimeo.com/51621640


I don't know who I'm talking to, besides myself. So, I will click the link, because I said to do so!
I love that video.
I miss my city. Sometimes I get homesick.