ALANON

I am not an alcoholic. I don't even drink Soda! (Pop, soft drink, fountain drink...yadda yadda)
I don't do drugs. I don't even like taking prescription drugs, and hesitantly take over the counter pills...
If you want to label my addiction, candy would have to be it. But, it's not to fill a void, or to relieve stress. I just fucking love sour candy. Sometimes my body does crave it. My blood asks for it. My brain longs for it. But I don't eat it because it's asking me to. Plus, I'm on a diet at the moment, so I've cut back my candy intake. I'm not suffering, nor am I bitchy about it. just ignoring the 'need' the crave, the want :) And it's easy.

So...why are my beloved friends asking me to go to ALANON? Because, I've been affected by people in my family and their addictions. Of course, all this while I was a child. I no longer deal with alcoholism, or drug addicts.

Which is why I'm reluctant to go to these meetings...and, the religious aspect of it puts me off.
No, I am not religious. And I know the 12 step program is based on helping you with religion...which is cool...anything that is positive, and encouraging...and it helps...is good.

However, I've been told that there is programs that don't aren't based on religion. I like that!

These are some of my most stuck memories:

When I was around 9, one of our roommate's boyfriend was shooting up. They were at the end of their relationship. He was upset. Was in the bathroom. Minutes later, he is in a pool of blood. Bathroom was covered. I am not being dramatic. *I* called 911. Frantic. We were a bunch of kids, in this tiny apartment. We were all scared. I was the oldest, so I hid us all in the closet til the cops came...and things got taken care of. He was taken away in a gourney, pale as a ghost. Sometime after that, another day...same guy...climbed the 3rd floor balcony, to our window...tried to break in. My mom's friend's mom tried keeping him out of the apartment, ran to the window, and held the window closed. How he didn't fall off, still to this day taunts me. Me, again, called 911. Cops came. Same shit. Why didn't they take us away?!
Another incident, same man...still drugged...was hitting on my mom's friend. I again, got on the phone...while dialing 911, he came towards me, slapped me, and disconnected the phone. He ran off. Cops came, did a search, I never saw him again. Who knows what happened.

I never had money growing up. All my clothes were free from other people, hand me downs, or school would give me clothes. I was that poor.
Well, one Christmas, my 5th grade teacher took me shopping. She even brought us a Christmas tree.
This was a good deed from my wonderful teacher, at her expense.

She gave my brothers toys, and the other kids in the house as well.
But my special gift, just for me...was a small bottle of perfume. I always loved her perfume, and often told her so. She gave me a small bottle of the kind she wore. I didn't even want to open it. It's how how meaningful it was to me. I kept it put away, in my tiny drawer. I kept it as a sign of hope. One day, I would no longer live like that, and one day, I would enjoy my perfume...and not worry about running out, and not being able to buy another bottle. One day...

Well, one of the guys living there, I guess needed money. He robbed us.
He took my perfume.
He robbed me of my hope. (Figuretely speaking)
To this day, it bums me out. Still makes me cry. How could my mom let us live like that?

So, yes. ALANON is something I should probably seek.
I'm shy. I'm lazy. I tell myself I don't need it.
But, my co-worker encouraged me to go, when he goes. My dear friend, my mom's friend at the time...whom I completely felt I loved more than my mom...told me I am a survivor. I was telling her she is my hero, my role model...I look up to her, I admire her. And she, in return told me I am that to her! Melted my heart. She is one of the most meaningful people in my life. If it wasn't for her...I don't know that I would be who I am now. She listened to me, when my mother would just shut me out and hit me. She hugged me when I told her I was raped. She cried with me. She felt my pain. After a while, I wasn't allowed to see her. Once I turned 18, I looked for her. Reconnected with her. Somehow lost touch, but again, found her. And now more than ever, I am grateful she's been in my life. Some people just love you no matter what.
And I am grateful she loves me...as me.
She understands me. And she listens.
If she suggests I take care of myself, I will listen to her.
So...ALANON...here I come!

Sigh...
I'm scared. I'm nervous. It's not soooo hard for me to share my experience,...but it's the whole being in a group that terrifies me. I am not a social person...and speaking in public is a major task for me...

I hope I do her proud. I know I should do me proud, but, this...I want to do for her. Because she deserves to know I want to heal.